So I’m broke and I take the bus (So what fuckers eat a dick. I’m in college trying to make something of myself OK! This shit is expensive!)
Anyway, I have a self-diagnosed form of Adult ADD and I couldn’t stand in the same spot if Elmer himself glued me to the ground and the ghost of Big Pun and Notorious BIG sat directly on my chest while the LAPD cuffed me to the grill of their squad car while beating me half-to-death as if I….well…were a black man.
So I’m walking in circles (No, not small circles) but walking in circles around the MTA driver’s rest station and the illegal immigrant selling hotdogs near the station (Bless her short, ethnic, accented little heart).
After about 2 or 3 laps, I come back around toward the benches that are facing toward the parking lot and away from most people and I see a fat guy slouched who, judging by his arm motions, seemed to have misplaced something in his pants of the utmost importance.
It took me about .89 seconds to realize (Holy Mother of Fucker this guy is fucking beating off!). It was like a fucking assault and battery on my poor heterosexual eyes. I could see myself talking to a detective in a long tanned trench coat smoking on a chewed up cigar that always has something smartass to say at the right time.
ME: OMG it was so traumatizing, I turn the corner and this fat guy, he, he, he was….whacking off
Detective Holiday: Don’t you worry son, once I catch up to this guy, I’m going to give him a whacking of my own
Anyway, the fat man plays it cool: He stops what he is doing and I immediately turn away from him in embarrassment as if I did something wrong. Then I think, HEY SHOULDN’T YOU BE THE EMBARRASSED ONE? Why am I the one speed shuffling away?
I immediately go into panic mode. Is this guy going to chase me around threatening to shoot me with his semen gun? But nothing of the sort happened.
I text all my home girls and of course they don’t believe me and one says “videotape it and put it on youtube!” I said, “Um, I don’t want to videotape another man’s dong…BUT, it would be freaking hilarious.”
I do another lap, come around the corner with cell phone in hand and up to my face to aim the camera pretending I’m making a call but he was just sitting there looking at me like, “Yeah…..SO?”
All I was left wondering is….WHO THE FUCK BEATS OFF AT A BUS STOP?!
